Before the storm

Wind gusting and swirling around taking debris and tossing it around. Much like your mind and the thoughts that are whirling around inside.

You are trying to tell someone that you can sense a change happening within you. Wishing your personality and your views. But the trouble is they don’t understand the depth of what that means.

Changing again, this one feels huge, like a volcano before it erupts, it keeps boiling up and up.

I feel a veil over my eyes waiting to be moved. A weight on my chest that needs to be removed. This one feels so different from the others. More powerful. Scary.

I’m almost feeling manic as I try to get it right. I can’t keep still. Not my mind and not my body. I’m up in arms ready to attack.

Need to break free. Need the veil gone. The weight needs to go. I can’t scream. I don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t know what exactly I want help with.

This is a calm before the storm.

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CTL + ALT + DELETE … maybe that will work..

Frozen, you hear your breath as your eyes are darting all around. Scanning the room as you run through lists of things that need to be done. Feeling as if you could get so much accomplished and yet you are frozen just stuck there, sitting with your thoughts, the ones you don’t even realize have worked their way into your mind. It’s like being able to see the person you know you want to be and watching her live her life the way you want so badly to live yours, at the same time seeing the you that you are fighting every day. The dark, the angry, the hurt, the cold, numb, and empty you. As you look around you it’s like watching two different movies with the same character not being sure which way to look. You just keep spinning in all directions. Hearing all the sounds. Even the silence is to loud.

Stuck, restrained, feeling ambushed. What’s next but to fire back, right ? Who are you fighting when you fire back? Do you know? Can you see? It’s cloudy from the flames of doubt burning around you. Is firing back the answer to save you from these flames. They aren’t going away it seems. Ignited by the sweat that runs down your face and fueled by the tears that you lock up inside your heart. Endless sources for the flames to find life. How else can you escape? You keep looking for a way to fight back the flames but your eyes they burn and you can’t see anything clearly. You gasp for air looking for light, for a way to escape the flames burning your mind. No one can hear you through the flames so you fight them alone. Wondering how much longer this fire will burn.

Lock it Down, throw up the gates, nothing gets in, nothing gets out. That’s the safest way for this to be. Without a lockdown the inevitable will happen, a breakdown, a complete loss of self control, pain and frustration spilling out at the pores of your skin, running down until it comes in contact with every inch of your being. It’s not a breakdown that should happen alone in the darkness. It’s the type that needs compassion and love. An embrace of comfort and reassurance that no matter what darkness comes out of you they will still be there to turn on the light again for you. It’s hard to find someone to be that person. It’s just as hard to let yourself be that vulnerable and that unguarded with anyone.

Resentment towards yourself builds each day. It’s like you have an axe to grind with yourself and no one can stop you from cutting into your heart. All you see is the bad things you have been told, all the lies you were left to believe, hoping that someone sees through your eyes and finds you. Bitterness towards happiness because, does it even truly exist for you.

So as the world around me goes silent. As I lock up the gates and build that wall, the one I know will inevitably crumble down. It’s only there to protect me until I find a new way to build a gate. Who needs to share this type of pain anyway. Why would anyone want to embrace you or your pain. It’s messy and heavy and so full of darkness it scares most people away. So you build that wall and lock up the gate hoping you can keep it all locked up.

Screaming inside. A slow burning pain that makes it hard to breathe. Memories flood through, sometimes it’s pictures, sometimes it’s like I can feel the pain I felt when I was hurt. It catches me off guard. Takes me back, and on those moments I feel as if I am never truly going to be free from the past, from the demons that cut me every day. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to fight them anymore. Why can’t anyone see me, why can’t anyone hear me yelling. The demons are so loud. I just want a way out!

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Breakdown it’s coming, trying to choke it down…

I’m beating myself up for breaking down before the first tears leak from my eyes

I’m planning where and when and how I let myself fall apart even as another crack appears

I’m needing a drink before I can even dehydrate

And God forbid, GOD FORBID anyone sees it happen, sees me break

Because the only thing that could possibly be worse than feeling like this is letting anyone or everyone know I feel like this

There is no outlet for, this no safety valve that I can turn off, only bandages and mufflers

So I spend my time hoping beyond hope that some fatal accident absolves me both of the burden of life and the guilt of death

Because heaven forbid, HEAVEN FORBID I actually want to die

Some days like today, the only thing holding me back from trying to kill myself is the thought of failing to do so and the aftermath

The Judgment

The accusations

The guilt

So I took back the tears until I’m alone

Then I hold them back until I have the proper outlet materials

Then I push them down until I’m in a place that no one could ever find me cry again

And by that point my eyes hurt and I’ve forgotten how to cry

So the tension simply builds

Breakdown averted after breakdown averted

Good for me, controlling my emotions, right?

numb

that’s all I can do is numb myself

and it don’t work

and I’m tired of it

and my eyes hurt

But there’s nothing I can do except

Keep wishing the days away

Writing to avoid the hurt, but it doesn’t

Seem to help, because the feeling that I’m

About to break is overwhelming me and it seems the silence around me grows roots into my soul and the pain runs deeper than I knew.

Feelings of Anger, frustration, rage, and sadness, relentlessly attacking your thoughts…

Skin burning, body clenched tightly, one wrong move and it could blow! This feeling that you have to do something to make it stop, only to realize that you don’t know what to do when you’re like this. It’s almost comforting to say hello to these feelings as they find a way back out. They slither on up into your veins and slowly poison your mind against anything that could bring you relief.

Scream?! Why?! You have screamed and shouted so loud the walls shook, you stomped your feet, you punched the pillow countless times. That is what they say will help, how can they know unless they have escaped the irate feelings of anger. As you sit with your anger it feeds the depression just enough to keep it thriving. Then when the anger needs a break to find more ways to enter your mind, it sends in Depression to make sure you stay just how they need you.

It’s just another day anymore. They last forever, or so it seems, and as they pass by and the silence is so loud when you are fighting this battle alone.

Round and round it goes, where it stops, Nobody seems to know…

Thoughts they begin to circle my mind minutes after my eyes open. Like the hawk circles before it devours it’s prey. Yet words seem to fail me at the moment. I am fighting this fight over and over again, only to be left battered and bruised by the darkness of the past, and the wounds that I never healed. You can’t heal the wounds you don’t show to anyone including your self.

Another day passes, your eyes burn like it’s pouring down acid rain. Eyelids feel like paper weights are being placed on top of them. So exhausted from fighting the demons, the pain and you’re battered from fighting yourself all day and night. It’s like watching an accident about to take place but there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. It would seem the same goes for these reckless words running rampant through my mind. Cutting me deep and opening old wounds.

It’s got me now, I seem to be pinned, maybe this time around I can tap out. Not likely to happen since this beast of prey thrives off your pain and suffering. It grows with each restless night and negative thought. Taking your identity little by little until all that’s left is a shell.

Shells can break if dropped. And now the demons inside are out, and they are running wildly through this darkness and All I can do is hope they don’t drop my shell of soul and cause the brokenness inside to spread further in my veins.

Just a thank you ..

I am working on a post. But I’m so exhausted I keep nodding off so instead of working on that piece right now, I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone that has followed and liked my page or my writings. I love reading through the feed and seeing all the different styles of writing and the different skill levels. So much variety in such a large community. Thank you to all of you. I’ll have a nice fresh piece for you tomorrow. This battle with Crohn’s and and anxiety and depression has me feeling so low so I just don’t have the energy to even move.

Dark Days, Do you know about them, and what happens during …

When you live in a mind that’s constantly full of darkness, you might wonder how could it possibly be, that you have Dark Days!? Oh but it’s true you can. It’s the days you feel the weight so heavy it’s choking you with every breath, with every step you shake and stumble to keep your balance. The days that you find yourself wondering why are you here? What’s the point? Dark Days can last a long time or pass in a few days. Either way the dark days are the days we don’t talk about because then what would everyone think of you, I’ll end up in crisis center, I look like I want attention, I’m being ridiculous, and the list goes on with lie after after lie.

Struck down without warning, what the hell was that??! Before you get to see it coming the dark days have you shackled to lies and anger. Plenty of anger to go around, but it just takes up space inside your mind because it has been locked up for long working against you from the inside, slowly, anger is patient as it works to destroy you and take your light. The lies we tell ourselves, the lies we consistently replay in our mind, also feed off the anger. Those two together form a chain around your heart and mind you feel absolutely no connection to anything.

What would people think? What would they say? How would they feel about you? How would they see you if they knew all the darkness that you carry inside. There you are spinning your wheels looking for a way to filter your thoughts the same way the world filters their pictures. You have a moment where you think it’s time to not give a damn anymore. It’s time to rip these wretched feelings, acidic lies, fiery anger, relentless sadness and endless pain right the hell out and show the world the truth!

Imagine how that would go? Yep, me too. That’s why we never do it. The response is frightening to imagine. How can you really expect anyone else to understand the way you feel, and how you’re fighting just to fight everyday, when we don’t understand it sometimes either. Words fail all outlets are exhausted, or so it seems, and it has no where else to go but inward.

So what do you do when you want to see on the dark days but all the light is gone? When you want to yell out loud and vent your feelings, shout it freely without judgement, or worry. What do you do you do when you see nothing, feel nothing but pain, anger, sadness and hopelessness? Dark Days can anyone see you?

Dark days are upon me I’m afraid. So I’m crawling on the ground as not to stumble as I search for the way out. Hands are bleeding from broken pieces along the way. Bruises down my arms and legs from hitting walls as I search for some damn light. A vent. Someway to breathe. Something to stop this pain. This damn pain is relentless it won’t let up. Wishing I could find someone in the dark Days to guide me back to the light.

Anxiety and Depression the ugly truths and the daily war…

The ugly truths of suffering and battling through mental illness. Guilt, shame, isolation, hopelessness, lost, unwanted,and those are just to name a few. In today’s world if you suffer from any mental illness then at one time or another you most likely felt guilty for being the way you are. You have felt shame in the way you feel. Keeping yourself from those that you really want around because you feel like a burden and they don’t deserve that. Hopeless, it seems all Hope is lost, and as much as you know you have the power to change how this controls you, it’s almost impossible to grab. No matter what way you go it doesn’t feel right, doubt, confusion, and fear all creep in as become more lost. They say to reach out when things get bad but they don’t mean it really. Can you blame them? Do we even want to hear it ourselves? When you do reach out you get reactions that aren’t needed, like you need therapy, let it go, it’s up to you how you feel, and the list of hurtful responses goes on. In those moments what you’re looking for is validation and comfort. Someone to show you that you matter, someone to tell you that you are enough, someone to come a hug you until the pain subsides, but instead we are left feeling unwanted and alone. Once that feeling sets in, it pushes us into isolation and each time it feels more difficult to find your way out.

Until you live with a mind that is constantly trying to give up and forget the pain of the past and the present, it’s something that you can never truly understand. We all suffer in different ways, everyone’s trauma, everyone’s story is different, but one persons pain is not greater than the other. Instead if you could see it as pain, loneliness, inability to trust, hopelessness, fear, anger, betrayal. The list is long, the result is the same, brokenness, hurt, sickness. To be sick with an illness that no one can see, most times until it’s too late, is exhausting to say the least. Constantly faking a smile or a good mood. You don’t want to make people worry, or think any less of you, so even though your hurting, and your exhausted you keep pushing. Then on your bad days, the ones that you can’t hide, people around you seem surprised that your struggling, AGAIN! You get the looks or hear the tone in their voice. So you find a way to climb back into that costume that fits this world, the costume that makes it so you can’t breathe. You zip it back up, and hope the zipper will hold long enough for you to fake it one more day.

Therapy seems to help but that itself takes some work. You need to find someone you TRUST, someone you are comfortable around, someone who can feel a connection with, someone who is kind, compassionate, non judgmental, encouraging, honest, and they need to know how to listen and see you! Those qualities are not always easy to find, and that can cause some to never seek therapy. Even when you do finally find one you can open up to, the real work begins each time you leave a session. It’s like therapy is a job training session and then you go out and take the skills for a test ride and when you go back you see how well you did. Sometimes you are successful, but sometimes you aren’t. In those times you aren’t successful you decide what to Do next, let your thoughts go and tell about your failure to love yourself this week, or put on your costume of false self love and never let your mind heal. Sound like a no brainer, right? Wrong! If it was only that simple, if we could just use mind over matter the matter of mental illness wouldn’t be an issue.

What we need is to find support, love, and encouragement. Something to show us we not in fact unlovable, and broken.

Time? How do we measure that truly? Some hours seem like days some days seem like minutes….

It’s the night before my oldest son graduates from 8th grade!! That means he is on to high school and he begins a new chapter in his book of life. This sweet loving, smart, kind hearted, outgoing, driven young man. The last three years for me and boys have not been easy. He started off his entry into his middle school years on the heels of His Dad and I ending our relationship after 15 years. He threw us out of the only home those kids ever knew. The boys and I moved Three times in just 7 months until finally we found a place to call home. I truly believe gods hand was all over that one.

My son had to be put on medicine for his ADHD because he was acting out so much in school. Then he it got worse before we got him better. It was an awful fight every morning to get him to swallow a pill. Tears and fights and yelling every morning. Once again this kid he overcame the demons he was fighting and by the next school year he was off the medicine and has been since. He has gone from average grades to honor roll. He has plans. Big ones!! He wants to change the world, he wants to be a voice for a cause that needs one. He wants to me a mentor, and better athlete. I love watching him dream, and plan. Mostly I love knowing he believes in himself enough to have those dreams. A lesson I could stand to learn from him.

He hugged me tonight, not your normal mom hug. He held on.. as I thought to myself “ this is just what I needed today “ he is sentimental over his year ending the way it has, the memories he missed out on. At the same time my son, he comforts me, because he knows I’m sad he’s growing up.

So time needs to slow down. Please!! My boys are everything to me, and it scares to me imagine my house empty.

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