The ugly truths of suffering and battling through mental illness. Guilt, shame, isolation, hopelessness, lost, unwanted,and those are just to name a few. In today’s world if you suffer from any mental illness then at one time or another you most likely felt guilty for being the way you are. You have felt shame in the way you feel. Keeping yourself from those that you really want around because you feel like a burden and they don’t deserve that. Hopeless, it seems all Hope is lost, and as much as you know you have the power to change how this controls you, it’s almost impossible to grab. No matter what way you go it doesn’t feel right, doubt, confusion, and fear all creep in as become more lost. They say to reach out when things get bad but they don’t mean it really. Can you blame them? Do we even want to hear it ourselves? When you do reach out you get reactions that aren’t needed, like you need therapy, let it go, it’s up to you how you feel, and the list of hurtful responses goes on. In those moments what you’re looking for is validation and comfort. Someone to show you that you matter, someone to tell you that you are enough, someone to come a hug you until the pain subsides, but instead we are left feeling unwanted and alone. Once that feeling sets in, it pushes us into isolation and each time it feels more difficult to find your way out.
Until you live with a mind that is constantly trying to give up and forget the pain of the past and the present, it’s something that you can never truly understand. We all suffer in different ways, everyone’s trauma, everyone’s story is different, but one persons pain is not greater than the other. Instead if you could see it as pain, loneliness, inability to trust, hopelessness, fear, anger, betrayal. The list is long, the result is the same, brokenness, hurt, sickness. To be sick with an illness that no one can see, most times until it’s too late, is exhausting to say the least. Constantly faking a smile or a good mood. You don’t want to make people worry, or think any less of you, so even though your hurting, and your exhausted you keep pushing. Then on your bad days, the ones that you can’t hide, people around you seem surprised that your struggling, AGAIN! You get the looks or hear the tone in their voice. So you find a way to climb back into that costume that fits this world, the costume that makes it so you can’t breathe. You zip it back up, and hope the zipper will hold long enough for you to fake it one more day.
Therapy seems to help but that itself takes some work. You need to find someone you TRUST, someone you are comfortable around, someone who can feel a connection with, someone who is kind, compassionate, non judgmental, encouraging, honest, and they need to know how to listen and see you! Those qualities are not always easy to find, and that can cause some to never seek therapy. Even when you do finally find one you can open up to, the real work begins each time you leave a session. It’s like therapy is a job training session and then you go out and take the skills for a test ride and when you go back you see how well you did. Sometimes you are successful, but sometimes you aren’t. In those times you aren’t successful you decide what to Do next, let your thoughts go and tell about your failure to love yourself this week, or put on your costume of false self love and never let your mind heal. Sound like a no brainer, right? Wrong! If it was only that simple, if we could just use mind over matter the matter of mental illness wouldn’t be an issue.
What we need is to find support, love, and encouragement. Something to show us we not in fact unlovable, and broken.